haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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