I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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