If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
