I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
