there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
