There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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