I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
