Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
But break dance skills will only take you so far
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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