you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
