Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
