Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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