I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
