She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
