It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
