I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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