all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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