I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
