I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
