It was confusing and full of hummus
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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