I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
