Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
