..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
