Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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