im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
