My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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