Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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