my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
