She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
