Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
