matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
