i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
