party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
