Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
