OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
