It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize