I love black thongs
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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