one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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