Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
