drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
