i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
