that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize