you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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