i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize