the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
