The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
