my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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