i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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