alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
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