the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I deserve this hangover.
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