I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
