You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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