That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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