I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
