Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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