I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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