I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
