First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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