Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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